Dear Parents - Where Can I Get More Information?

Dear Parents, Many of us have been lucky enough to avoid porn traps as adults because we already had brain or emotional maturity before our first exposure. This is not going to be an option for our children. The industry is so big, the content so readily available that it is no longer a question of “if?” kids will see porn, it’s “when?”.

Many proponents of porn cite sexual liberation and improved relationships, etc. and will criticize anti-porn programs for their lack of scientific rigor, their implied morality, or even the semantics of the word “addiction”. These criticisms weaken many arguments against porn but self-reported research and testimonials of those affected by porn are more than sufficient to demonstrate things that *can* happen and *can* be directly attributed to the availability and consumption of pornographic material. Not everyone that views porn is going to turn into a compulsive user or escalate to abuse of real people, but don’t we want to protect our kids from a path that even *might* lead there?

Despite the arguments that pornography compulsion (or misuse, or whatever the term du jour might be in academic circles) isn’t a DSM-5 “addiction”, therapists specially trained in counseling for sex concerns are called certified sex addiction therapists (CSATs). If you or your child find yourself in risky or threatening situations, licensed therapists are the best help you can find. While searching for one, make sure that you find one that does share a common morality. If that basis isn’t shared from the beginning, then therapy work can be counterproductive. Since sex is such a personal thing, one resource might not be a good fit for each person or each child’s experience. Don’t discount the importance of education and real discussions with your child when some of perspectives presented seem over-the-top for your own ethos. My goal isn’t to point anyone down a single path or to tell you how to parent properly, only to shed some light on what I’ve found to be a danger to my own children.

So where to start finding good information? Below are links to several resources to for learning about the issues at hand along with strategies for managing the raising of healthy kids in a porn-saturated world. Please note – a lot of these resources come from a Christian perspective. Even the ones that are “non-religious” come from a certain perspective on morality, not specific to sex but rather specific to the worth and dignity of a human being. The sites below are all informational and not a substitute for medical professionals.

Notably absent from the list are sites like NoFap. Some communities/programs are built in such a way that the anti-porn message become belligerent or abusive. They frequently have only male members which implies that porn is a gendered problem. It isn’t. It's a human problem. Furthermore, they sometimes promote a toxic and misogynistic masculinity in which being able to avoid porn consumption will confer superpowers on an individual. In this point of view, women are seen as a threat to the attainment of those superpowers and men who fail to achieve the requisite goal are shamed and belittled rather than mentored and supported in their efforts. This mindset is counterproductive to the growth and maintenance of a whole and healthy person.

The List

Fight the New Drug (FTND) - This is a huge movement. Declared to be non-religious and non-legislative, their focus is on raising awareness of potential dangers of porn and possible impacts that porn production and consumption have on individuals, relationships, and humanity at-large. Their video production “Brain, Heart, World” is a well done, easy to digest, intro to the issues at hand. It is also home to the “Consider before Consuming” podcast which features interviews with victims, recovering porn consumers, scientists, and other people in whose lives porn has made an impact. www.fightthenewdrug.org

Defend Young Minds - This is tailored specifically to parents/caregivers and offers resources for helping children cultivate internal filters and defenses for their inevitable encounters with pornographic material. www.defendyoungminds.com

Reach 10 - An organization targeting primarily teens and young adults helping educate them to educate each other. The name comes from the goal that everyone have 10 meaningful conversations about porn/porn use to dispel the secrecy and shame which often accompany consumption. Home to the “Breaking the Silence” podcast which focuses on the relationship impacts of pornography. www.reach10.org

Regeneration - A Christian based organization that deals with many types of sexual issues. Includes the “Becoming Whole” podcast in which conversations are presented that discuss healthy sexuality in a Christian context. www.regenerationministries.org

Clean Heart Initiative - Catholic organizations specifically built with resources for combatting pornography in today’s world. Modeled on the USCCB’s pastoral letter from 2015. www.cleanheart.online

Integrity Restored – Another Catholic organization, the mission of Integrity Restored is to help restore the integrity of individuals, spouses, and families that have been affected by pornography and pornography addiction. www.integrityrestored.com

Fortify - A science-based recovery tool for overcoming unwanted sexual behavior. Through a combination of journaling, community boards, and education it provides help and accountability. www.joinfortify.com

Covenant Eyes - an accountability platform which monitors online activity and uses AI to scan for behaviors which might not align with people’s offline goal. It can work by bringing questionable items to your own attention but works best by sending a report to one or more Allies to provide fodder for meaningful conversation. www.covenanteyes.com

Bark – a monitoring service that reviews online interactions using AI to identify potentially risky situations. Bark scan social media and web use as well as devices where installed for indicators of porn as well as self-harm and other unwanted behaviors. www.bark.us

Strive21 - A 21 day "detox" program for men struggling with pornography use. www.strive21.com

That’s it for now, but I’ve got many more topics lined up for future posts.

Dear Parents - The Time to Talk is Now

Dear Parents, I recently read about a person that was fired from volunteering at a school she had been working with for many years because her online profile on an adult site had been “reported to administration.” While there are many issues of freedom, ethics, and legality to discuss around this story, I’m not feeding those conversations.
The critical aspect of this story to me is that it provides an example of why children's parents/caregivers (*not* schools) need to educate kids in an age-appropriate way about porn and "adult" content long before the traditional birds and bees talk.
Porn is likely going to find kids while they are much too young to understand it. Case in point, with this story splayed all over the media, children who have never heard of this particular website are certainly going to be exposed to the name and will likely be curious, as children are. Without a good foundation for communication with safe adults to ask about cringey topics, they will turn to the internet and/or peers for answers.
The internet is more than happy to provide the wrong answers that can quickly send kids into very dangerous territory. Literally one wrong click is all it takes. We love our kids. We’re willing to take a bullet for them. We need to be willing to approach them with uncomfortable topics. Don’t wait.
Start the conversation today.
Conversations must be done without shame. It's counterproductive to shame the performers - we have no idea what circumstances led them to be there. Shaming the kids for what they may have seen, heard, or done begets a cycle of isolation that will destroy lines of communication that are vital to a child's healthy development.
If you don’t have any clue how to undertake this daunting task, you’re not alone. The Conversation Blueprint tool at the amazing non-religious, non-legislative FightTheNewDrug is a great resource. Another resource that is specifically tailored toward parents is Defend Young Minds. There you can find additional guides and advice for almost any situation in which you have found yourself and your child.