Dear Parents - Where Can I Get More Information?

Dear Parents, Many of us have been lucky enough to avoid porn traps as adults because we already had brain or emotional maturity before our first exposure. This is not going to be an option for our children. The industry is so big, the content so readily available that it is no longer a question of “if?” kids will see porn, it’s “when?”.

Many proponents of porn cite sexual liberation and improved relationships, etc. and will criticize anti-porn programs for their lack of scientific rigor, their implied morality, or even the semantics of the word “addiction”. These criticisms weaken many arguments against porn but self-reported research and testimonials of those affected by porn are more than sufficient to demonstrate things that *can* happen and *can* be directly attributed to the availability and consumption of pornographic material. Not everyone that views porn is going to turn into a compulsive user or escalate to abuse of real people, but don’t we want to protect our kids from a path that even *might* lead there?

Despite the arguments that pornography compulsion (or misuse, or whatever the term du jour might be in academic circles) isn’t a DSM-5 “addiction”, therapists specially trained in counseling for sex concerns are called certified sex addiction therapists (CSATs). If you or your child find yourself in risky or threatening situations, licensed therapists are the best help you can find. While searching for one, make sure that you find one that does share a common morality. If that basis isn’t shared from the beginning, then therapy work can be counterproductive. Since sex is such a personal thing, one resource might not be a good fit for each person or each child’s experience. Don’t discount the importance of education and real discussions with your child when some of perspectives presented seem over-the-top for your own ethos. My goal isn’t to point anyone down a single path or to tell you how to parent properly, only to shed some light on what I’ve found to be a danger to my own children.

So where to start finding good information? Below are links to several resources to for learning about the issues at hand along with strategies for managing the raising of healthy kids in a porn-saturated world. Please note – a lot of these resources come from a Christian perspective. Even the ones that are “non-religious” come from a certain perspective on morality, not specific to sex but rather specific to the worth and dignity of a human being. The sites below are all informational and not a substitute for medical professionals.

Notably absent from the list are sites like NoFap. Some communities/programs are built in such a way that the anti-porn message become belligerent or abusive. They frequently have only male members which implies that porn is a gendered problem. It isn’t. It's a human problem. Furthermore, they sometimes promote a toxic and misogynistic masculinity in which being able to avoid porn consumption will confer superpowers on an individual. In this point of view, women are seen as a threat to the attainment of those superpowers and men who fail to achieve the requisite goal are shamed and belittled rather than mentored and supported in their efforts. This mindset is counterproductive to the growth and maintenance of a whole and healthy person.

The List

Fight the New Drug (FTND) - This is a huge movement. Declared to be non-religious and non-legislative, their focus is on raising awareness of potential dangers of porn and possible impacts that porn production and consumption have on individuals, relationships, and humanity at-large. Their video production “Brain, Heart, World” is a well done, easy to digest, intro to the issues at hand. It is also home to the “Consider before Consuming” podcast which features interviews with victims, recovering porn consumers, scientists, and other people in whose lives porn has made an impact. www.fightthenewdrug.org

Defend Young Minds - This is tailored specifically to parents/caregivers and offers resources for helping children cultivate internal filters and defenses for their inevitable encounters with pornographic material. www.defendyoungminds.com

Reach 10 - An organization targeting primarily teens and young adults helping educate them to educate each other. The name comes from the goal that everyone have 10 meaningful conversations about porn/porn use to dispel the secrecy and shame which often accompany consumption. Home to the “Breaking the Silence” podcast which focuses on the relationship impacts of pornography. www.reach10.org

Regeneration - A Christian based organization that deals with many types of sexual issues. Includes the “Becoming Whole” podcast in which conversations are presented that discuss healthy sexuality in a Christian context. www.regenerationministries.org

Clean Heart Initiative - Catholic organizations specifically built with resources for combatting pornography in today’s world. Modeled on the USCCB’s pastoral letter from 2015. www.cleanheart.online

Integrity Restored – Another Catholic organization, the mission of Integrity Restored is to help restore the integrity of individuals, spouses, and families that have been affected by pornography and pornography addiction. www.integrityrestored.com

Fortify - A science-based recovery tool for overcoming unwanted sexual behavior. Through a combination of journaling, community boards, and education it provides help and accountability. www.joinfortify.com

Covenant Eyes - an accountability platform which monitors online activity and uses AI to scan for behaviors which might not align with people’s offline goal. It can work by bringing questionable items to your own attention but works best by sending a report to one or more Allies to provide fodder for meaningful conversation. www.covenanteyes.com

Bark – a monitoring service that reviews online interactions using AI to identify potentially risky situations. Bark scan social media and web use as well as devices where installed for indicators of porn as well as self-harm and other unwanted behaviors. www.bark.us

Strive21 - A 21 day "detox" program for men struggling with pornography use. www.strive21.com

That’s it for now, but I’ve got many more topics lined up for future posts.

Dear Parents - The Time to Talk is Now

Dear Parents, I recently read about a person that was fired from volunteering at a school she had been working with for many years because her online profile on an adult site had been “reported to administration.” While there are many issues of freedom, ethics, and legality to discuss around this story, I’m not feeding those conversations.
The critical aspect of this story to me is that it provides an example of why children's parents/caregivers (*not* schools) need to educate kids in an age-appropriate way about porn and "adult" content long before the traditional birds and bees talk.
Porn is likely going to find kids while they are much too young to understand it. Case in point, with this story splayed all over the media, children who have never heard of this particular website are certainly going to be exposed to the name and will likely be curious, as children are. Without a good foundation for communication with safe adults to ask about cringey topics, they will turn to the internet and/or peers for answers.
The internet is more than happy to provide the wrong answers that can quickly send kids into very dangerous territory. Literally one wrong click is all it takes. We love our kids. We’re willing to take a bullet for them. We need to be willing to approach them with uncomfortable topics. Don’t wait.
Start the conversation today.
Conversations must be done without shame. It's counterproductive to shame the performers - we have no idea what circumstances led them to be there. Shaming the kids for what they may have seen, heard, or done begets a cycle of isolation that will destroy lines of communication that are vital to a child's healthy development.
If you don’t have any clue how to undertake this daunting task, you’re not alone. The Conversation Blueprint tool at the amazing non-religious, non-legislative FightTheNewDrug is a great resource. Another resource that is specifically tailored toward parents is Defend Young Minds. There you can find additional guides and advice for almost any situation in which you have found yourself and your child.

Coming Soon - Dear Parents

For various reasons, I've discovered that there are real, physical dangers in today's internet pornography. As a parent, I realized that no number of firewalls, amount of content filtering, or advancement of technology was going to shield my kids from the insidious porn and porn-adjacent content that pervades not just the dark corners but the main boulevards of social media and the internet at large. Facing this reality, I was left with two options - ignore it and hope that my kids would survive or step up and educate myself so I can be a resource for them. The more I learn about brain science, development, societal influences, etc. the more I feel compelled to share with other parents and caregivers who, like the me of a few short months ago, aren't even considering porn in the scope of things we need to confront with and for our children. The goal of the posts that follow is to shine a light on a topic that thrives in secrecy and isolation. I don't know if anything I say will have a positive impact, but I know I can't be silent in the face of such a threat. If I've already convinced you to learn more, check out the resources below as a great place to start.

Fight the New Drug - perhaps the premier resource. A non-religious, non-legislative organization that uses scientific studies and personal accounts to help educate people on the true risks and dangers of pornography and porn culture.
Defend Young Minds - an excellent resource especially when relating to younger children.

Maybe there's a little Toad in all of us...

... or maybe just me. I read this line from "Wind in the Willows" and it made me think of myself.
"and Toad, with no one to check his statements or to criticise in an unfriendly spirit, rather let himself go. Indeed, much that he related belonged more properly to the category of what-might-have-happened-had-I-only-thought-of-it-in time-instead-of-ten-minutes-afterwards. Those are always the best and the raciest adventures; and why should they not be truly ours, as much as the somewhat inadequate things that really come off?"

And if you know me, you know it's true.

Tivo and evils of our time...

So it just occurred to me that Tivo (and other DVRs, I dont' discriminate) aren't what they appear to be. Not at all. They're supposed to be these great convenience devices. They're supposed to make entertainment fit *my* busy schedule. In fact, most of them offer this great service at a premium, some kind of subscription charge for the flexibility in entertainment that we all crave. But here's the kicker - I've got a busy schedule. We all do, don't we? Between work and chores and social engagements, we really don't have a lot of downtime. There's a reason we don't watch The Good Wife or Lost or American Idol during its scheduled slot. It's because we've got other priorities. So we let Tivo record all the shows that we can't watch. And then those shows sit in our Now Playing list. And we'd better watch them, if we don't then what's the point of having the Tivo at all? Why are we paying for it if we're not going to use it? So this leads us to the Catch-22 where we need more time to watch all of our recorded programs and we need to record more programs because we don't have time to watch them in the first place. Break the cycle. Shoot your Tivo!